


heaven held us high before it all came crashing down

by Anonymous



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Bullying, Gen, Homophobia, Implied abuse, Kokichi Centric, Pre-Game Oma Kokichi, Pre-Game Saihara Shuichi, saiouma (mentioned), self indulgent, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:34:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26041996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: kokichi just wants to be kissed.
Kudos: 31
Collections: Anonymous





	heaven held us high before it all came crashing down

for the first time in his life, kokichi ouma had a crush.

he had just turned 12 years old. someone in his class had caught his eye, a boy, a boy that no one really seemed to talk to. kokichi was new to the school, but this boy was not, and he had no idea why people treated him the way they did. why they coldly avoided his presence, his very existence.

he couldn’t help but feel bad for the boy. he had been in his position most of his life, after all.

"hi," he said, sitting in the desk next to the boy. "what's your name?"

“...”

\--

he later learned why no one talked to this boy.

because, after kokichi finally worked up the courage to confess to the boy, he had found himself on the ground behind of the school the next day, blood pooling under his head after being beaten to unconsciousness by the boy's brother and his friends.

\---

kokichi was 14 when he dared to have another crush.

this time, however, it was one of the popular boys. this boy was much prettier than the last, and much less mysterious, too.

still, kokichi kept his distance. 

he had learned from his last crush what the cost of liking another boy could be.

the boy's lips, in particular, are what caught his eye. they were soft, gentle, innocent; kokichi couldn't help but stare whenever the boy got up to the front of the class to speak.

he found himself often wanting to kiss the boy.

but still, he kept his distance.

\--

rumor had it that the boy was gay.

he'd never had a girlfriend, and never really expressed an interest in girls in general, so kids being as they were, they assumed the worst.

or in kokichi’s case, the best.

it was a stupid rumor, though. 

one that kokichi was stupid enough to believe.

kokichi started to talk with the boy for once, started to become closer to him. they became something like friends, he’d thought.

then kokichi had to go screw it up.

"oh... sorry, ouma, i'm not into guys like that."

it hurt. of course it hurt. but it wasn't as bad as the last time he had a crush on someone.

still, he trusted the boy to keep his secret, to keep the confession, and kokichi being gay, between them.

things didn't turn out that way.

in fact, he became the laughing stock of the class for the rest of the year.

and it was because the school found out that the teachers found out, and eventually, his parents.

things didn't become any easier after that.

\---

when kokichi was 15, he didn't have a crush.

it was his first year in high school, so of course there were a ton of new people. 

still, none of them caught kokichi's eye.

his current classmates were kinder than his old ones, at least. they said hi to him on his way to class, or helped him out if there was a problem he struggled with.

he just hoped it wasn't purely out of pity.

either way, he had a fresh start at this school, having moved from his old town to a place just outside of tokyo. the schools themselves weren't much better, but at least the students were.

_ but that's probably because they don't know. _

\--

kokichi may have not had a crush, but he still wanted affection.

he yearned for it. he was desperate for it.

but nothing seemed to fulfill him.

making out with his hand did nothing, and pressing himself into the corner of his room with his hands wrapped around himself did nothing to comfort the void in his heart, either. 

these days, it wasn't rare to find him asleep, tears still fresh on his face after crying himself to sleep, trying anything and everything to simulate human touch.

as expected, nothing worked.

\---

he was 17 when he finally had a crush again.

it was another boy he had met in tokyo, a boy who asked him (asked  _ him!) _ for his number while he was waiting outside of one of the danganronpa galleries.

he barely remembered how it happened. one minute, he had been leaning against the wall just outside the door, waiting for rantaro as he looked around the gift shop for something for kaede, and next, a boy stood, practically drooling in front of him, nervously asking the short violet haired boy for his contact information.

it felt nothing short of a dream.

he had texted him later that night, and they had a pretty good conversation going, and even considered him his friend within the first week of knowing him.

but he had also started to fall for the mysterious bluenette.

shuichi, he called himself.

shuichi saihara.

\--

to no one's surprise, shuichi was a danganronpa fanatic.

it was pretty obvious, from the monokuma charm dangling from his phone, to the absurd amounts of kirigiri merchandise that he collected and kept looking for. 

it just hadn't occurred to kokichi  _ how _ obsessed one could actually be with danganronpa.

kokichi had never really been super interested in the show, to be honest. sure, he would watch an episode here or there, but he would never devote his time doing anything and everything to keep himself constantly involved in the series.

it was only after shuichi had suggested the idea of joining the 53rd season did he even realize the kind of person he had gotten himself involved with.

...

....

well, if auditioning for the season with the boy is what made him happy, then he would do it.

\---

kokichi ouma, the ultimate supreme leader.

no parents, an unknown brother, and an organization named d.i.c.e.

that is all kokichi could remember. 

that, and his previous obsession with love.

but here, something like that shouldn’t matter. in this situation, one where he could be killed at any moment, love should be the last thing on his mind.

but it always found a way to worm itself back into his brain.

as much as kokichi tried to repress his feelings, it never worked. if anything, it only made his feelings stronger.

so, he did what he could to keep his delusional brain from having any other straying thoughts.

he would make everyone hate him.

that way, no one could hurt him more than they already had, and he finally would give his brain a reason to not entertain these delusional thoughts.

_ but what if… _

_ what if… _

_ … _

no.

no one else here matters.

and he’d make sure it’d stay that way.

no matter how much he may have wanted to hold them.

\---

as he lay on the cool metal of the hydraulic press, he looked up, his distorted reflection staring back at him.

the one thing he had strived for his entire life, and he would die without even a taste of it.

oh well. it’s what he deserved, he guessed. this killing game, this unrequited love, this despair he felt as the seconds of his life dwindled one by one as the metal came closer and closer. a punishment from god, he supposed, if such a thing even existed.

as he became nose-to-nose with his reflection, he closed his eyes one last time, allowing himself to pretend that the pressure slowly pressing upon him was someone else, someone who loved him, rather than a killing machine.

**Author's Note:**

> i hate this fic but i need to vent so here  
> i'll either delete or heavily edit this fic at some point bc this is a mess
> 
> also what’s kissing im a hands on learner btw


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